it's been so long since I made a entry, where do I start form in the "catch up" process.  It's like when you haven't spoken to someone in a really long time, you go thru the process of summing up days, months,  even years into minutes.  For the sake of my impatience, I'm not goin to do that.  I'll just describe my present state. 

#1: I still love JC with all my heart, all my soul all my mind and with all my strength. 

#2: Technically I'm single, meaning I'm not married, but there is someone in my life that means a lot to me, that i care about and that has potential.  I don't particularly like the title "boyfriend" so we''ll just call him my special friend.

#3: I dont go to church any more, not only because I dont have time but also because I just dont want to go.  I don't like most of the churches in this area, i feel completely lost and bored in my fathers house.  I dont feel like a part of the family that is welcomed with opened arms, more like a visitor that needs to whipe their feet before going in.  Since I've moved from SC, I started to look for churched that are similar to Calvary-when i founf that this was not going to happen, I searched with an open mind/heart.  Even so, i didn't find anything that was bringin me closer to JC, so I stopped searching.

#4: I love my job!!!  The first year was the  haredest, but I got through it.  I learned so much about my work ethic and my profession.  I've gotten so good at what I do, I constantly strive to be better.  I learn something new everyday and I love it. 

These are the last days of my studying Job.  I have to say that I'm practically speechless and thoughtless when it comes to this ending.  I had sooo much to say about how God is not fair and how He's not running this world...but he is.  He's really here doing "stuff". Stuff that I'm not always going to be able to see. How dare I challene His presence?  I thought Job was about a bitter man who complained about his life not going the way he wanted it to go.  We ALL how parts of Job's story in our lives.  Bad things happen to us or to the people around us and we get angry at God and demand an explanation NOW!  God doesn't have to explain anything to us.  Job is expressing the way I feel.  I was Job for the past couple months and now, this is my "repentance" speech through Job:

"I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me.
   I should never have opened my mouth!
I've talked too much, way too much.
   I'm ready to shut up and listen.You asked, 'Who is this muddying the water,
   ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?'
I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me,
   made small talk about wonders way over my head.
You told me, 'Listen, and let me do the talking. "

Lord I love you.  I pray that somehow you will forgive me for my ignorant talk.  You know the thoughts that crossed my mind and the amt. of doubt that I was filled with.  Thank you for removing all that from me Lord.  Thank you for restoring my soul.  A soul that is driven by your Love, Grace and Mercy. My God, thank you for you grace and mercy. You alone I need my Lord.

here are some things that have been going through my head for the past couple days.  I've been reading this book by Yancey "disappointment with God".  The questions that Yancey poses are profound.  The fact that they are the same questions that have been pouncing at me heart for the last couple months blow my mind.  The biggest (still unanswered) question that I have posed is..."where are you God?".  I started to get the feeling that somehow he is trying to answer me, but I have closed him out.   I started to ask what is the point, why is being a jesus follower relevant for a person in this life time.  Yancey spoke about how visible God was in the Old testment times, but what about now.  I think we need him now more that ever.  I need him now more than ever.  I know I'm not losing my faith, but I've reached the point where I'm starting my own faith....my own beliefs....like Dan Brown- I'm believing everything I'm trying to prove wrong.  Does that make sense?

bell